Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
Thursday, April 18, 2002 As promised, today I have further excerpts from the upcoming episode of Trading Spaces featuring the Osbournes*. To see the beginning, as well as some language that will hopefully keep me out of legal trouble, scroll down to Wednesday, April 17. Enjoy.
[BEGINNING OF EXCERPT]
INT. OZZY’S HOUSE
PAIGE (Voice-over): Hildi’s team already has the new base coat on the walls, and they’re making progress on the next phase.
HILDI (flinging bat blood at the wall): Don’t worry too much about getting it really even. We’re going for a little imperfection here.
NEIGHBOR (spitting out a fresh bat head): That shouldn’t be hard.
The Osbournes’ security guard MICHAEL wanders in. He takes in the three blood-drenched strangers ankle deep in bat corpses and reacts with alarm.
MICHAEL: What’s going on in here?
HILDI: Oh, it’s okay. It’s for TV.
Michael notices one of the cameras and waves amiably at the home audience.
MICHAEL: All right, then. I’ll leave you to it.
INT. THE NEIGHBORS’ HOUSE
PAIGE (Voice-Over): Frank has put Ozzy and the kids to work on removing the wallpaper. But where are the kids?
Alone in the room, Ozzy slowly goes over the wall with a paper scorer.
Ozzy stops and looks at the wall.
OZZY: Take all [bleep]ing day, this will. [unintelligible].
Ozzy picks up a hammer and crowbar and starts whacking away at the wall. After a moment, a section of it comes clean off.
OZZY: Bleeding [bleep]-all! Ohhhh, God. [unintelligible].
Ozzy stares at the exposed wall studs, gobsmacked.
EXT. THE DRIVEWAY
PAIGE (Voice-over) Looks like Kelly has plans of her own.
Kelly, having ditched her peach Trading Spaces shirt at some point, gets into a car and starts it up. Sharon catches up to her at the driver’s side window.
SHARON: Where the [bleep] do you think you’re going?
KELLY: Uhh, wotsisname, the Father Christmas-looking guy. Said we need more nails.
SHARON: Frank sent you to get nails?
KELLY: Yes! God! I’m just going to the [bleep]ing nail store!
Sharon opens the car door and ushers Kelly out.
SHARON: No you’re [bleep]ing not. Where’s your shirt?
KELLY: I hate the shirt. Ugly [bleep]ing colour.
SHARON: Your hair was that “ugly [bleep]ing colour” last week.
KELLY: Why do you think I [bleep]ing changed it?
Kelly flips Sharon the bird as she follows her mom back to the house.
EXT. THE STREET
PAIGE (Voice-over): Meanwhile, Ty’s about to get a little unexpected help.
Jack is leaning against the carpentry truck, smoking. Carpenter/handyman TY PENNINGTON, carrying some shelves, emerges from the truck and spots him standing there.
TY: Hey, buddy. Better not let the principal catch you smoking out here behind the cafeteria.
Jack doesn’t answer, preferring to hold his smoke in. Ty registers this.
TY: Especially if you’re smoking that.
Jack finally exhales and holds the joint out to Ty.
JACK: Wanna hit?
Ty puts down the shelves and looks at Jack severely.
TY: Dude, have you ever watched this show?
Ty takes the offered joint and inhales deeply.
[END OF EXCERPT]
More again tomorrow, provided TLC's lawyers don't shut me down.
* Again, not really.
posted by M. Giant 1:16 PM 0 comments