M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Tuesday, March 26, 2002  

One of the things I'm going to try to do with this blog is avoid as many cliches as possible. Unfortunately, one that I can't bring myself to avoid is the Oscar Prediction Post. Sorry, I'm just too much of a film geek.

I should really know better than to do this, because there's nothing preventing people in the future from going back into the archives and finding out just how wrong I was. On the other hand, they can do that with every other writer who takes a shot at this, so I'm not exactly alone. With that in mind, and with my meager prognosticating tools firmly in hand (oh, get your minds out of the gutter), I'm ready to give this a shot. Here goes:


Whoopi Goldberg will not be funny.

Jennifer Connelly's acceptance speech will be overshadowed by the fact that she reads it like a third-grade book report and she pulled her dress out of a shower drain.

Black Hawk Down will take the Film Editing award. Ridley Scott will make faces like he did last year when he actually had a chance.

Pearl Harbor will win the Sound Editing award. Now that Josh Hartnett is in two Oscar-winning movies, security will allow him to stay at the ceremony pending a decent haircut.

Woody Allen will do standup for the first time in over three decades. Millions will stop wishing Woody Allen would go back to doing standup. He'll still be funnier than Whoopi Goldberg.

Lord of the Rings will win Best Make-Up. At home, Rick Baker will lose his shit.

Moulin Rouge will win for Best Art Direction. Off-camera, Catherine Martin will wave her Oscar smugly in Baz Lurmann's face.

Thoth will get the Oscar for Documentary Short Subject. Thoth himself will join the producers onstage to accept the award, fulfilling a dream he's had ever since watching the guy from King Gimp fall out of his chair two years ago.

Murder on a Sunday Morning will win for Documentary Feature. I don't know, it's just a random guess.

Whoopi Goldberg will continue to not be funny.

Owen Wilson's and Ben Stiller's scripted comments will rapidly devolve into putdowns and recriminations until they present the Costume Design award to Moulin Rouge. Off-camera, Catherine Martin will make a huge show of choosing which of her two Oscars is her least favorite, after which she will show it to Baz Lurmann and say, "You can polish this one on your birthday."

Black Hawk Down will win its second Oscar for Sound. Ridley Scott will fight a difficult and transparently painful battle to not lose his shit.

Sidney Poitier will be presented with an honorary Oscar. During his gracious acceptance speech, the camera operators will do everything possible to convince us that the entire audience in the Kodak Theater is African-American.

Whoopi Goldberg will not be funny some more.

The presentation of the award for Visual Effects will be preceded by an exhilarating performance by Cirque du Soleil. Lord of the Rings will win the award, and ten minutes later everyone in the theater will once again wish they were dead.

The Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award will be presented to Arthur Hiller's hair by Ali McGraw's jaw and Ryan O'Neal's neck.

I'm going out on a limb and saying that For the Birds will win for Best Animated Short. Get it? "Out on a limb?" "For the birds?" Oh, never mind. Anyway, since this film was shown before Monsters, Inc., it's not so much a limb as a concrete pier.

The first Oscar for Best Animated Feature will go to Shrek. Joss Whedon is still pissed that anyone thought Jimmy Neutron was better than Atlantis.

Whoopi Goldberg will doggedly persist in not being funny. A Russell Crowe joke will be floated, but this year the camera guys will know better than to cut to his glowering puss.

John Williams will conduct the orchestra through a medley of John Williams-penned movie themes, pissing off the presenters enough to instead give the Best Score award to Lord of the Rings.

Randy Newman will not only finally receive a statue for his song from Monsters, Inc., he will receive fourteen retroactive awards for the other songs he wrote that are exactly like it.

Robert Redford will receive a lifetime acheivement award. He'll comment that in a week, nobody will remember what happened during the ceremony anyway. Inexplicably, the theater will fail to immediately empty.

Whoopi Goldberg will make crazy-person jokes in reference to A Beautiful Mind, crossing the line from not funny to legally actionable.

No Man's Land will win for Best Foreign Language film, stealing Amelie's last chance to win any of the four categories in which it was nominated. Recalling India's offended reaction to Oscar's snub of The Sixth Sense, France will angrily surrender.

Lord of the Rings will steal the Cinematography award from The Man Who Wasn't There. That's what the Coens get for shooting in black and white. Duh.

I saw four of this year's Oscar-nominated screenwriters at a symposium this year, so I'm far from objective about the writing awards. However, I think Julian Fellowes is going to win Best Original Screenplay for Gosford Park. His acceptance speech will be witty and self-effacing, because that's how he is.

Akiva Goldsman, who was also at the symposium, will be spared the indignity of having to beg Brian Grazer for his life when he wins the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay for A Beautiful Mind. His Oscar will look good next to whatever he won for writing Batman and Robin.

At some point, there will be a joke about Moulin Rouge not having a director. Because that gets funnier every. Single. Year. Nobody will laugh harder than Catherine Martin.

Jim Broadbent's acceptance speech will be utterly overshadowed by speculation about Sir Ian McKellen's boyfriend.

Halle Berry will win the Best Actress Award. Halle Berry will thoroughly, utterly, and catastrophically lose her shit.

Denzel Washington will win the Best Actor Award, by which time Will and Jada Pinkett Smith will have vacated the premises in order to avoid being the only African-Americans in the theater not holding an Oscar.

Ron Howard will win Best Director. Off-camera, Ridley Scott will finally lose his shit.

Turn around, Opie, you're going to win Best Picture. Moments later, his moment of glory will prove to have been nothing but a cruel and elaborate delusion. Best Picture Backlash initiating in five...four...three...

Oscar parties nationwide will break up immediately, their attendees blinking dazedly against the dawn.


Just you wait. See if I'm right.

posted by M. Giant 12:28 PM 0 comments


Post a Comment

Listed on BlogShares www.blogwise.com
buy my books!
professional representation
Follow me on Twitter
other stuff i