M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Tuesday, July 08, 2003  


There comes a time in every adult’s life when he or she puts on a little Simon & Garfunkel and realizes: they might just be a little sillier than we thought they were when we were in college.

Take the lyrics to the song “Cecilia,” for instance:

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart,
You're shaking my confidence daily.
Oh Cecilia, I'm down on my knees,
I'm begging you please to come home.
Come on home.

Typical lovelorn pop lyrics, which along with the bouncy percussion and catchy melody make this chorus perfectly acceptable. Let’s continue to the verse:

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia
Up in my bedroom,
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed,
Someone's taken my place.

If you ever find yourself in this situation, you’re going to have to look deep inside your very soul and ask yourself a profound question: How the hell did my pillowcase get so filthy?

Seriously, if just being in bed has brought your facial hygiene to such a desperate state that getting clean afforded Cecilia enough time to arrange herself another date for the afternoon, it’s time to think about changing the sheets.

And it’s too bad about the grime crammed in his ears, because while he’s reaming one Q-Tip™ after another around in there, he fails to hear Cecilia on the phone to the other guy:

“Get over here right now. I need your big dick and some fresh linens, stat. Yeah, I’m in his bedroom. Just come right in. He’ll be a while; he’s washing his face.”

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart,
You're shaking my confidence daily.

Yeah, no shit.

Oh Cecilia, I'm down on my knees,
I'm begging you please to come home.

Um, why? First of all, the issue is not that she’s gone. She’s right here! She’s in your bedroom! In your bed! The fact that she’s riding some other dude’s pole right in front of you should only underscore the fact that Cecilia’s physical location is not your biggest problem. And given that first of all, do I even need to spell out the second of all?

Fortunately, our hero is able to win back the love of his life with a jaunty pennywhistle solo. She is nothing if not easily won over.

Jubilation! She loves me again!

Well, hot damn. Woo-freaking-hoo. What a prize. What a bargain. I’m sure you two will be very happy together, now that you understand that every time you go to the bathroom you’re going to have to bring her with you.

I fall on the floor and I’m laughing.

Yeah, so am I. What? Of course I’m laughing with you. What did you think?

Look, enjoy your laugh. Go ahead and close your eyes. Take your time. We’ll just…Ohhh, yeah.

Hey, best of luck, kids. Remember, it’s all about trust and respect. And communication. [mimes “call me.”]

Don’t even get me started on “Feelin’ Groovy.”

posted by M. Giant 3:37 PM 1 comments


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