M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Thursday, July 10, 2003  

Hoodwinking Google for Fun and Traffic

Aside from phrases that include the word “naked,” there are two Google searches that show up in my referral logs again and again. One is for step-by-step instructions on how to complete a certain first-person-shooter-and-lightsaber-wielder PC game. The other regards cooking with a vaguely clamshell-shaped kitchen appliance named after a former boxer.

So I was thinking, imagine the kind of traffic I could get if I could bamboozle Google into thinking I have the answers to even more questions. I don’t actually have these answers, but then I don’t have any recipes or game walkthroughs either. Out of respect for unsuspecting surfers, I will make at least a cursory attempt at giving them what they seek. Starting now.

Successfully Reseeding a Lawn

Oh, it’s so not worth it.

Learn About Day-Trading

Hey, that’s a good idea. Let me know what you find out, okay?

Acquiring Grants from the Government

I don’t waste my time with that. I’m still holding out for my MacArthur Genius Grant. It’s more than a year closer, you know.

How to Play Cricket

Imagine you just woke up from a dream in which you were playing baseball. Except the ball was smaller and the bat was shaped kind of like a small oar and the backstop was knee-high and made out of TinkerToys™ and the rules were totally fucked up and you can’t remember what any of them were. You were playing Cricket. Cheerio!

Painless childbirth

My secret to painless childbirth is to not be anywhere near it while it’s happening. So far I’ve had a one hundred percent success rate.

How to Build a Nuclear Bomb

Dude, John Ashcroft is on his way to your house right now.

Finding the Path to Spiritual Enlightenment

I’m actually working on this one, even though the final product is still a long way off. I will tell you, however, that it involves those little chocolate frosted mini-donuts. Mmm, tasty.

How to Build a Huge Audience for a Weblog

See above.

posted by M. Giant 3:46 PM 0 comments


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